Writing is Therapy. It’s taken me so long to write this as April has been a tough month, probably one of the toughest ever. I almost didn’t write it, but with the hope it helps someone who is going through something similar, for the first time, I’m ready to share some of my life. I have developed ceiling rippling insomnia, alopecia and suffered a breakdown. All in the last 6 months October 2012- April 2013. Life has tested me, yet the smile on my face will ALWAYS and continue to tell you otherwise.

Last March, I was fortunate enough to land my self a job in BBC Factual Development after working on a documentary pitch for BBC Three. Alongside two of the best award winning (female!) producers in the industry, we developed a three page treatment and taster tape. The first paragraph sounded something like this…

“When Cerriann was young she never questioned why her older brother couldn’t take her to the shops; in fact they’ve never been on holiday together. However, this documentary will follow the moments their lives will change forever;

The day he moves out.”

Johann is my brother, he is 33 years old and has severe learning disabilities, scoliosis, is incontinent and sufferers from epileptic seizures. Having had these disabilities from before I was born, I grew up with what I believed to be a relatively ‘normal’ childhood. Whilst coming to terms with my family situation, viewers will follow my family’s ups and downs, uncovering the journey of someone who has continuing healthcare needs and their ‘real-time moving out’ experience (commencing Dec 2012). As my mum (retired teacher, now successful business owner) makes preparations for my brother to live independently, I will find out who else in the UK has been through a similar experience, how it comes about and who is involved in supporting such a life changing decision. In England alone there are currently over 53,000 people who are receiving continuing health care. Each family is different and so is the care that the disabled person needs. Every story is different. My story begins when I was 11.”

The day Johann’s move was all finalised to go ahead in November 2012, was a few days after our Granddad passed, I clearly remember ‘announcing to my twitter clan’ that my life was going to change. Change and drama were coming, I was scared. Honestly, I never thought these events would come, neither of them, and at least not together. As a teen I argued with my Mum whenever the conversation of Johann living independently was ever brought up, refusing to speak to her for weeks at one point. Yet, at 23 years old, now fully able to understand what it takes to look after my brother, I was involved, I had sought my ways of coping and this was it, it was happening. How can you prepare for overwhelming emotion to take over your body, and consume you like the plague? In all truth, I’ve been trying to mentally prepare for April 2013 for the last 5 years.

In January, it began to feel real as I emailed everyone I was working closely with to tell them of my absence from London until further notice.

From a young age, whenever we’d go out, people would stare at him, I would stare back, sometimes even asking if they had lost something. They still do stare today, but I realise it’s more a reflection of them, not me or my brother.

I don’t think I will ever see my brother as disabled. He wasn’t born disabled, he understands everything the same as everyone else does. He leaves the house every morning at 9 to go to his day centre (work), he communicates with me, we argue, he eats when he feels like it, sleeps when he feels like it, we are terribly mischievous and incredibly close. The documentary was for me to show other families that they are not alone. I personally don’t know any friends with disabled siblings, and felt that most of my time growing up, there wasn’t anyone I knew whose home life I could relate to- I can only touch on how hard that was and still is. Johann has moved to a very small privately run residential care home, which neighbours the most sought after private estate in the West Midlands and we wouldn’t have it any other way. I knew the anxiety my family would feel would exact those around the country, whether it be a disabled relative, elderly relative or a family choosing respite or palliative care for their loved ones. Unless you’ve experienced this type of lifestyle, it’s impossible to empathise. As you can imagine I was so upset when my producers told me that the commissioners had decided not to follow Johann’s move.

A year on, I look back and am so grateful for the commissioners decisions. When I looked in the mirror this morning I now understand why I wasn’t ready, like I said, it was impossible to emotionally prepare for. I see Johann every other day, which is a heck of a lot more than when I was living my high flying media career in London, but I miss him. I sort of now know how he felt when I moved at 16. It wasn’t a sad event, and this too is something to be celebrated, leaving the nest, spreading your wings and becoming all you can be as an independent adult.

Thankfully, being self employed meant I was able to move back to Birmingham in February, to make sure I could be present for every curtain, shelf and mattress choosing decision. It has been a stressful, manic, tearful, fun, transition. A coming of age experience, and by no means is it anywhere near over. I think Mum and Johann are relieved to be away from each other after 33 years, they both deserve a break, let’s not forget he’s a grown man! For me, however, it’s going to take some getting used to.

To Be Continued…